The little program that could

EducationFeature: In the face of constant budget attacks, tiny program offers hope to displaced homemakers

by Michele St. Martin

Minnesota Displaced Homemaker Programs Service Areas (All non-color counties do not have DHP programs)

"Our objective is to get people to a point where they can be ready to enter the competitive job market. They've been through a divorce or abandonment or are escaping familial violence, and need to start over. A lot of them were caregivers or stay-at-home-moms, and they are finding that they're not sure of themselves, or have low self-esteem. Many have a sense of hopelessness. We help them look at the skills and abilities they have. So many leave our program and say, 'You were there to give me hope when I didn't have any hope.'"
- Dan Swahm, executive director of Career Solutions, which serves displaced homemakers in the seven-county metro area.

Kerri Kleinschmidt was devastated when her husband, whom she described as "my soulmate for 25-and-a-half years" became "a person I didn't know at all." Not only did her husband become verbally abusive, his compulsive spending drained savings and retirement accounts and $250,000 of the equity in their "dream home," as well as running up $60,000 in credit card debt.

'I didn't expect much'
After she ended the marriage, Kleinschmidt, 51, who has a high school diploma and spent most of her adult life as a full-time mother, homemaker and community volunteer, didn't know where to turn. A nurse at her medical clinic referred her to Career Solutions, Inc., the agency that serves displaced homemakers in the seven-county metro area.

"I just did not know what to do," Kleinschmidt said. When she went to Career Solutions, Kleinschmidt didn't expect much. She figured the program might not be able to pay for schooling. She thought maybe they'd help her figure out what to do-and how to pay for it.

She was half right. Kleinschmidt credited Career Solutions counselor Kandy Krieger with supporting and encouraging her, and called the assessment programs the agency offers "extremely helpful." With Krieger's help, Kleinschmidt settled on a 15-month diploma program in digital media and video production at Globe University/Minnesota School of Business. But what she didn't get enough of was help finding funds to pay for her schooling.

Krieger gave Kleinschmidt lots of leads for online possibilities to help locate funding, and suggestions for books to read. "It takes a great deal of tenacity and determination [to locate aid]," Krieger said. "Kerri was very determined."

Kleinschmidt estimated that she spent the equivalent of three eight-hour days online searching for help to fund her education. At the time she spoke to the Minnesota Women's Press, just six days before she was due to start school, her efforts online had yielded nothing but frustration.

"Everyone says, 'there's money out there.' Well, where is it? It's like a 2,000-piece puzzle with 15 pieces missing-it's impossible to piece it together," Kleinschmidt said. She described a process of finding scholarships listed that she supposedly qualified for-only to learn, during the application process that "Well, gee, it didn't fit me because I'm not the right age, color, going to the right school ... or because I'm going to a diploma program instead of a degree one."

She did eventually get some help. The financial aid office at Globe helped her apply for federal and state grants that will pay for about 20 percent of her educational expenses. She will finance the rest with student loans. "I will probably owe $27,000 when I graduate," Kleinschmidt said. "That's for a diploma, not a degree."

Struggling to survive
Even a brief analysis of the displaced homemaker program reveals its inadequacies. The program is funded at just $1 million statewide, divided between six agencies serving 51 of the state's 87 counties. And it's a struggle to maintain the funding even at that level, say those who work in the program.

"The Legislature is constantly questioning this program," said Taryn Galehdari, who administers the program for the Minnesota Department of Employment and Economic Development. "It's always in line to be cut. We always have to testify [to keep the program's funding in place] ... it's an easy target. I don't think they really understand this program, the impact it has on people."

Swahm agreed. The program, he said, has been under attack since the Ventura administration. "This program was in [Ventura's] sites," he said. Though Ventura tried to have the program eliminated, as has Gov. Pawlenty, it's managed to escape, though not unscathed; the current budget is half of what it was in the 1990s, when twice as many agencies were contracted to serve displaced homemakers and, Swahm said, there was even a small budget to help with educational expenses. Last year Swahm's agency served 330 people, and, he said, "We were at capacity. Some women had to wait for services."

Many are unserved
Statewide, the program served 1,172 people in fiscal year 2007, Galehdari said. If this number seems small, that's because it's just a fraction of the actual number of displaced homemakers in the state. The exact number of displaced homemakers, while much larger, is hard to pinpoint. Swahm said that according to the most recent census figures, there are 23,000 displaced homemakers in the 11-county metro area, while Women Work! The National Network for Women's Employment, believes there are more than 113,000 displaced homemakers statewide in Minnesota.

Even though program participants often lack the skills and education to compete for high-paying jobs (less than 10 percent of the women served have a bachelor's degree), lawmakers have steadfastly refused to fund education efforts for displaced homemakers; instead, the program's small budget has, by necessity, focused on helping women identify potential careers and develop job-seeking skills. Some may qualify for assistance through other programs.

It's hard to know if those who need the program most are being served; there are few funds dedicated to marketing the program. "My philosophy is, you just do what you do to reach the people that you can," Swahm said. "Actually, this program is quite a success story. [It's the] little program that could, chugging along, getting good results, fighting off wave after wave of attack at the legislature." He points to the fact that 82 percent of displaced homemakers served by his agency have gained the skills to compete for jobs.

'They gave me back my self-confidence'
After Diane Penning's 18-year marriage ended, she didn't know where to turn. In fact, said the rural Alden, Minn., woman, "My husband was very controlling and demanding, which made it difficult for me to be the person I really was. He had complete control of the finances, regulated my phone calls, my comings/goings ... [I was] completely tied down to the house, even as I tried to maintain part-time work.

"His lack of encouragement and support made me only his wife and the mother of three children (which I am blessed to have) ... I was no longer Diane, a person with dreams and goals of my own."

After her divorce Penning, 52, who had two children in high school and one in college, was only able to find low-paying work. "I had one year of vo-tech and one year of college. It had been many years since I'd written a resume." Penning, who had been divorced in 2002, "stumbled along ever since."

It was a mention in the events calendar of the Mankato Free Press that brought Penning to Life-Work and peer counselor Marlene Lange. After her divorce, Penning worked some low-paying, part-time jobs. "I wish somebody had told me about [Life-Work]," Penning said. "It's not well publicized. I wish every divorce attorney would hand out information about these programs."

Along with self-esteem and job-search skills, Penning found a community of other women who shared some of the same experiences. "It was a very good support group," Penning said. "We shared and supported each other." Penning herself took "sharing" literally, passing on some of her of furniture to younger women in need. She is still in touch with some of the women in the group.

Inaccessible to some
In addition to the lack of marketing, there are other obstacles to participation, Lange said. As well as having to do "more with less," she noted that budget cuts to the program have increased both her program's service area and made programs inaccessible to some women who live in areas not served by displaced homemaker programs.

"We try to go outside [our service area], to the west, to do some outreach to those [unserved] counties," Lange noted, adding that budget cuts have meant fewer staff to serve more clients. "And over the past 10 years, major changes like ending AFDC, and the funding for women to attend four years of college. dried up due to budget cuts. Mostly what is available is loans."

Penning's story has a happy ending, one she attributes in large part to the help she received from Lange and the services the agency offers, which include needs assessments, personal and career counseling, workshops and support groups, individualized action plans, referrals to additional services and assistance in entering employment.

Penning finished her last workshop with Life-Work in October, and she was hired by Freeborn County Department of Human Services in December. "I wanted something in health care, where I could work with doctors," said Penning, who has some previous background in the field. Today, she does clerical and transcription work for doctors and therapists. She has full benefits and makes $13 an hour. Previously she worked part time with partial benefits and a salary of $8 per hour.

"I was brave enough to ask for a higher salary than they offered, and got it," Penning said happily. "They told me afterward that my interview skills were excellent ... that's due to Marlene, she worked with me on that."

Lange gave Penning something even more. "Since I completed the Life-Work Planning Workshop, I have begun to do freelance writing for local newspapers," Lange said. She has just sold her first story to a local magazine.

"I'm very excited and would not have been 'brave enough' or 'confident enough' to have pursued this, if it had not been for the gentle prodding I received from the workshops and my counselor, Marlene Lange (and her staff), in Mankato. They gave me back my self-confidence and reinforced what I knew I was capable of doing-which enabled me to pursue the things I was not only interested in, but would make me happy."



Want To Help?
Let your legislators and the governor's office know that you want to maintain funding for the displaced homemaker program, which is funded from fees generated by marriage licenses and divorce decrees, and is currently threatened.

For contact information for your state representative and state senator, go to www.leg.state.mn.us/leg/Districtfinder.asp or call 651-296-2146 or 1-800-657-3550.

Call the governor's office at 651-296-3391 or 1-800-657-3717, or email tim.pawlenty@state.mn.us.



MN Dept. of Employment & Economic Development
Workforce Development Division
1st National Bank Bldg., 332 Minnesota St., Suite E200, St. Paul, MN 55101-1351
651-259-7540
TTY: 651-296-3900
Taryn.Galehdari@state.mn.us
Serves: Statewide
www.deed.state.mn.us/programs/disphome.htm

Career Solutions, Inc.
1295 Bandana Blvd. N., Suite 110, St. Paul, MN 55108
651-647-9961, ext. 202
Toll Free: 888-777-4020
1dans@careersolutionsinc.org
Serves: Anoka, Carver, Dakota, Hennepin, Ramsey, Scott, Washington
www.careersolutionsinc.org

Lives in Transition-AEOA
702 - 3rd Ave. S., Virginia, MN 55792
218-749-2912, ext. 220
Toll Free: 800-662-5711
ggrell@aeoa.org
Serves: Aitkin, Carlton, Cook, Itasca, Lake, Koochiching, St. Louis
www.aeoa.org

WINGS-Tri-County Action Programs
700 W. St. Germain St., St. Cloud, MN 56301
320-257-4501
Toll Free: 888-765-5597
Patrick.Shepard@tricap.org
Serves: Benton, Chisago, Isanti, Kanabec, Pine, Stearns, Sherburne, Wright
www.tricap.org/coll.html#wings

CHOICES of Southeast Minnesota
Rochester Community & Technical College, 851 - 30th Ave. SE, Rochester, MN 55904
507-280-5517
Toll Free: 800-657-3716
Susan.Valvoda-Swanson@roch.edu
Serves: Dodge, Fillmore, Freeborn, Goodhue, Houston, Mower, Olmstead, Rice, Steele, Wabasha, Winona

META 5
Central Lakes College, 501 W. College Dr., Brainerd, MN 56401
218-855-8010
Toll Free: 800-933-0346, ext. 8010
lfranz@clcmn.edu
Serves: Beltrami, Cass, Crow Wing, Douglas, Mille Lacs, Morrison, Todd, Wadena

Life-Work Planning Center
Union Square Business Center, 201 North Broad St., Suite 100, Mankato, MN 56001
507-345-1577
Toll Free: 800-369-5166
jeanmke@hickorytech.net
Serves: Blue Earth, Brown, Faribault, Le Sueur, Martin, Nicollet, Sibley, Waseca, Watonwan
www.lwpc.org

SOAR Career Solutions (AEOA Subgrantee)
205 W. 2nd St., Suite 101
Duluth, MN 55802
218-722-3126
info@soarcareers.org
Serves: City of Duluth and St. Louis

Mathematics teacher, Farheen Hakeem (31) is single but already a foster parent of a teenage girl aged 13

By Swellehe Msuya

The adoption process was quick and smooth, she asserts with a chuckle. “I conceived not for nine months but for only one week and became a mother of a thirteen year-old teenager.” The process to become a foster parent to Angel Face (not her real name) took only seven days! “As a mathematics teacher, I assist my foster teenage daughter in her home work. I want her to shine and I see in her a future marine biologist, photographer or violinist in the making. We are getting along just fine.”

Farheen Hakeem, is a familiar name in Minnesota, having run for Minneapolis Mayoral office in 2005, she had a shot at the District 4 County Commissioner in 2006, and will seek the endorsement of the Green Party to run for state legislature this year for 61 B District.

Farheen graduated from Oberlin College with BA in Mathematics and has been an active community organizer, leader of Girl Guide Scouts, and is currently Program Manager for “Our Voices Matter” and serves in a similar capacity with the Minneapolis Adoption Resource Network (MARN).

Her decision to adopt a teenage girl has created ripple effects among other single women in her circle who also have expressed a strong desire to follow suit.

“It takes a village to raise a child,” she authoritatively asserts. “In my own journey, many adults supported me” she argues and looking around in our community she sees many teenagers from poor and broken families who do not have the support they need. I want to step-in and be part of the solution. I want to be someone’s role model in life.”

Lorenzo Davis (left), Program Coordinator for Minneapolis Adoption Resource Network (MARN) told this reporter that last year, Minneapolis had 1544 children under state guardianship awaiting adoption. “In 2007, we were able to give homes and hope to 483 children while 642 children are still looking for adoptive families.”

Prospective parents who wish to provide the “love, support and an environment in which children can grow into healthy, productive adults” can make a phone call to MARN (612) 746-5129, or to African American Adoption Agency (651) 659-0460 or to Bethany Christian Services (763) 553-0344. Other adoption centers to call are: Downey Side Inc. (320) 240-1433 and Children’s Home Society and Family Services (651) 646-6393.

Adoptive parents who qualify after going through a background check are given special training, financial support under programs run by the Minnesota Department of Health. Adoptive parents are provided with services to care for the new family members, before and after adoption. Additional services are available for adopted children with special needs.

Lorenzo Davis adds: “We have over 400 social workers in Minnesota who make follow-up and provide a network that links parents together and consolidate ties among adoptive, foster and birth families to function”

Lorenzo appeals to good Samaritan individuals to come forward to assist those remaining children and help cut short the waiting period which was “809 days in 1995, and was reduced to 629 days in 2002, and now is down to 520 days!”

Farheen adds her voice by appealing to community members to come forward to adopt “those remaining children so that we may make a difference in their lives. She adds sympathetically, “I hate to see such wonderful kids in neglect just left out there to become another number.”

source: http://www.anjnews.com/node/542

Chaves / Chavis / Chavez Genealogy

I have done extensive genealogy research and it is evident that you
have done some also. You
mentioned in the Chavez Family website that you come from the Don Pedro
Gomez Duran y Chaves
lineage. I too, am from this very same ancestry; in fact conjoined
through multiple family lines. My
ancestry is Chaves and Sanches on my fathers side and Romero and Duran
on my mothers side.
This Duran y Chaves family was originally Rico and not Chaves; his
father was Hernan Sanches
Rico. The family Rico were Jewish traders and merchants that would
travel from Spain to France,
Italy, Greece and other parts of the Mediterranean Sea selling their
wares.

Some of my Chaves family ancestry takes a different twist and actually
comes from Chaves, Portugal
also.

Chaves; This family name is an ancient name from Portugal. Originally
called Flavis (Latin) by
Romans in Lusitania (Portugal). Original meaning was "healing waters".
Roman legions and even
Hadrian, Caesar, and other Roman personalities would go to the healing
waters of Flavis. The name
was a location not a person or family. Later, during the time when the
Portuguese language came into
its own, the spelling and pronunciation changed. All words with
Fl_____, were changed to Ch_____
but pronounced as if Sh____. So, Flavis became Chavis, same meaning
also. Some people still have
this spelling, particularly in Louisiana. After, the Roman occupation
the Portuguese language evolved
again. The name now took on a similar spelling, Chaves; but a new
meaning was tied to it. This
meaning you know, is, keys like Llaves in Spanish. The name was still
connected to a place not to
people. In about the 1200's the Moors, Catholics and Jews all occupied
Iberia and the Moors were
in a big uproar for control. In the region of Chaves, Portugal; the
Moors were ransacking and
causing general unrest. King Enriques of Portugal was very concerned
and was eventually driven into
war. He called upon the families of the region and found himself
compelled to request help from all
sources. He had cousins, the Lopes family. He called upon them for
help. The family responded
without hesitation. This Lopes family, four brothers and one sister
lead the battle and successfully
defeated and drove the Moors from the local of Chaves, Portugal. King
Enriques in all his
benevolence and generosity created the position of "Chaves" (similar to
the Order of Santiago of
Spain). The family were all knighted and made "Chaves", meaning "the
keys to the victory over the
Moors". The Chaves family is recognized all over the world as having
come from warrior clans. The
name, Chaves, symbolizes courage, royalty, honor, dedication to duty
and is easily recognized as
one of the most known Hispanic names in the world. The word Chaves is
pronounced with a distinct
sh, as in shoot or shout. Not the heavy ch that spanish words are
pronounced. The coat of arms is
displayed as five keys on the face with other ornate depictions, these
keys are symbolic of the five
original Chaves. Two of the brothers names are known; one brother was
named Rui(z) Lopes and
the other brother was Garci(a) Lopes. All these Chaves (Lopes) were
Jewish. Check out the
Judaica Encyclopedia at any synagogue.

Another view on the Chavez name. Some Chavez' ancestry is linked to a
person named Chavo. So,
people with the surname Chavez literally means "Son of Chavo". The ez,
is similar to other cultures,
sort of like Mc; Mac-Scottish/Irish or Ben-Hebrew or Bar- Arabic. Other
names with same
connotation: Sanchez, son of Sancho; Martinez, son of Martin; etc.

I have traced my ancestry interestingly enough to the Bentacurt and
Perdoma/o connection you
mentioned in the website as well. Both these people were in the Canary
Islands for very basic
reasons; they were Portuguese Jews hiding from the Spanish and
Portugese Inquisitions.

As much as the good Catholics of New Mexico would like to hide or
forget the past, the colonists
and others who came here were not originally Catholic, nearly all were
Jews; they came here seeking
freedom of religion after they were driven out of Spain and Portugal by
the "Edict of Expulsion".
They in fact paid Portugal and Spain many millions of cruzados (gold
coins) for their freedom. The
church ignored this and came after them anyway. The church demoralized,
broke down and crushed
the spirit of most of my ancestors, the church also held back food and
often times "bad" priests
would rape Jewish women in the process of cleansing them, and in many
instances would burn them
alive at the stake.

Check out author Seymour Leibman and Cecil Roth or others like them on
the history of Mexico
and the discovery of the new world; check out inquisitional records
from Mexico City and Lima,
Peru. People with names like Trevino, Caravajal, Rodrigues, etc. were
brutally tortured, imprisoned
and eventually burned alive at the stake. I am an ancestor of many such
people and their progeny.

The Sanches family I am from is linked to Rodrigo Sanches; he was an
explorer and 100% full Jew.
He was on Christopher Columbus ships when they discovered the New
World. Sanches cousin was
the treasurer to King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella; his name was
Gabriel Sanches a full Jew.
Gabriels' uncle was a man named Alazar Ussuf another full Jew.

The Duran family I am from is linked to Rabbi Moises HaLevy Duran; he
was a Jewish Talmudic
scholar.

If, you dig deep enough you may or may not like what you find.

I believe a truthful history should depict the facts, not a sugar
coated Catholic Church rendition
painted by Fray Angelico Chavez. He knew the truth but didn't want
problems with the church. In
his book, "Origins of New Mexico Families"; he neglected to edit out
one very important clue to the
past. In the listings of the family name Romero; he depicts the death
of a Romero man; this Romero
dies a strange death and has been accused of a minor crime (heresy and
witchcraft); the person
recording all accountings of the incident was none other than an
inquisitional scribe. The inquisition
was here to stop people from being Jews. The Spanish Inquisition
reached well into New Mexico; a
father Perea located at Quari Mission near Mountainair, NM was the head
of the Inquisition in NM
in the historical past.

My research has gone as far back in history as you wish it to go. Some
depictions are as long ago as
AD 70 in Spain and others reach back into biblical times in Jerusalem.
All of the people I have
discussed in this letter ancestrally came from Israel.

In the old testament; in the book of Obadiah it is written as a
prophecy that "the Jerusalemites shall
inherit Sepharad". I will explain; the Jerusalemites occupied Jerusalem
at the time of the Roman
conquest of Palestine (Israel/Judaea) AD 67-70 time frame. The
destruction of the second temple
took place at this time also. Odabiah prophesied that a group of people
would conquer Jerusalem;
those people of Jerusalem would inherit Sepharad. Sepharad is the
hebrew word for Spain. All of
the Jews from Jerusalem went to Spain for relief from the Romans as
prophesied by Obadiah.

Jews from Spain and Portugal are called Sephardic Jews.

Further back in time is a reference in the Book of Ruth on the
genealogy of Judah. A son of Judah
was named Perez; through him and his wife the people were called;
Perezites. Perez was the
grandfather of King David of Israel. Today, many Sephardic Jews still
bear the name of Perez.
Many Spanish and Portuguese names ending with es or ez can trace
ancestry back to King David
and Perez/Judah lineage.

My feelings on the history of New Mexico and the New World is that the
history was not and is not
still portrayed or written accurately at all and must be corrected.


Thanks, Keith Alejandro Chaves
Albuquerque, New Mexico

Polygamy in Kenya

“Make Polygamous Families Compulsory” Say Nairobi Polygamists

Our Nairobians.Com team was shocked to meet Nairobi men who feel very strongly about the decriminalisation and legalisation of polygamy in the country. A polygamous family typically involves one man and two or more ‘wives.’ The Kenyan legal system recognises only monogamous marriages – it is illegal for a person to be married to more than one person at the same time. You might think that a pro-polygamy Nairobi man has a pot belly and grey hairs, but these men are in their twenties and thirties, and many feel that it is only lack of money that prevents them from being polygamous.

Blaming ‘Nature’

Salim Nganga of Shauri Moyo believes that nature bears the answer to the question of polygamy, pointing out that women outnumber men: “Kenya kuna wanawake wengi zaidi ya wanaume. Kwanini wanawake wengine wasiwe na wanaume? Watajiokoa namna gani? Wanachukua wanaume wa watu, wanawanyanganya.” Even if women outnumber men, the fact that not everyone on the planet wants to get married means that people never lack spouses out of a shortage of the opposite sex; there are many spinsters in Nairobi who love being single and don’t care for marriage.

“Wakati wa Census ya 1989 ilikuwa inasema kwamba, ili wanawake watoshane wanaume, wanastahili kuoa wanawake watatu na nusu. Watatu na nusu haiwezekani. Inastahili kila mtu awe na wabibi watano, ili tuweze kutoshana,” continues Salim, “Sasa mimi nasema ikiwa hata ni lazima, ipitishwe kama law, kwamba kila mwanamume awe na wanawake watano.” But can people’s personal lives be governed by Census statistics?

Blaming Western Culture on outlawing of Polygamy

Evans Owiti of Kamukunji argued that polygamy was only outlawed when white people arrived in Kenya: “Mzungu anakuelezea ati hiyo ni bigamy lakini yeye anakuwa na mistress, huyo mtu mwenyewe ana bibi mwingine ni vile tu anamuita na jina lingine, then Kenya tunaambiwa kuwa bibi wengine ni dhambi. Kwanza kuwa na bibi wengi ni njia ya kupunguza HIV kwa njia haraka kabisa.” But how can polygamous marriages lead to reduced HIV infections, when polygamy involves multiple people – if one person strays and contracts the virus, everyone else will get it, including the children born. Worse still, they might not use condoms because they believe they are in a marriage.

Salim Nganga of Shauri Moyo also believes that: “Hii Government na hao watu ambao wanakudanganya kwamba ni lazima uwe na bibi mmoja. Ni nani kwa historia ambaye alikuwa na bibi mmoja? Tumepoteza utamaduni, tukadanganywa na mzungu, tunafuata mzungu kwa mambo ambayo tusiyoyajua. Mimi ni Mwafrika naona haja kuoa bibi wendi. Hata bibi mmoja ni hasara na ni haramu hata kwa Mwenyezi Mungu.”

But monogamy protects the rights of women in multiple ways, and it ensures that people cannot set up families willy nilly, without having the legal obligation to provide for them. A woman in a legally recognised marriage has protection from the law in the event of abandonment or neglect, in terms of child support and alimony, but without a legally recognised marriage she would be at the mercy of the man or his family, and she could be left with no wealth or child support entitlement.

Wealth and Polygamy

The fact that polygamy is illegal does not mean that people have stopped practicing it in Nairobi, and those men who practise it usually marry one wife in church (or in a civil ceremony), then they ‘marry’ the rest by giving dowry and proclaiming theirs a traditional marriage. But that situation often requires substantial wealth on the part of the man, to give dowry, to keep more than one home, and to ‘maintain’ more than one family. Bill of Huruma argued that poverty makes such traditions unworkable: “Mtu anawezaaje kuishi room moja, sijui mguu mbili kwa mguu mbili. Eh? Hata mtu analala, mguu unaonekana huko nje. Sasa, mko na bibi na watoto, hiyo story ya mila hauwezi kugaanda mila kama uko maskini.”

The lack of multiple houses appears to inhibit would-be polygamists. Salim Nganga confesses that he has only one wife: “Mimi namke mmoja. Lakini kwa mke mmoja ananifinya kwasababu pengine hata anaweza kunifanya niwe na stress kila wakati. Saa ingine sasa kama nakuta amekasirika, inanilazimu hata mimi pia nikasirike. Sasa kutoka kazini nikimsalimia, yeye mwenyewe hajibu kwa hasira. Kama ningekuwa na bibi wengi, mimi mwenyewe hatungeweza kujibiana, ningehama hapo kwake pole pole niende hiyo nyumba nyingine. Hasira yake ikiisha, nirudi, hatungekuwa na shida.” However, polygamy cannot be the answer to marital problems because leaving one wife’s house to go to the other’s does not mean that the problem with the first wife will solve itself.

The lack of land is also something that other would-be polygamists feel inhibits them. Maina of Githurai said: “Haswa, mzungu alifanya watu kuabudu pesa. Saa hii hata mimi naweza kupenda kuwa na bibi wengi, but angalia situation ya maisha, hakuna shamba, watu ni masquatters, hawana chakula.” Maina also felt that the lack of resources is a barrier to fulfilment of conjugal duties: “Kama mwanamume hakuli vizuri, na sasa unamwambia aoe bibi wengi, arudi kwa hizo mila, na hakuli vizuri na hiyo sex ni lazima anakula vizuri ili anapata hiyo joto kwa mwili, ataweza aje kuliisha hao bibi wengi? Lakini unaona hao viongozi wetu haswa wana bibi wengi juu wanaweza liisha hao mabibi. Lakini ukiambia mtu kama mimi ambaye nimezaliwa Mathare, wazazi wangu sikukuta wakiwa na hata ploti, hiyo mambo ya bibi wengi, nitailipia aje?”

Polygamists view women as commodities

It seems that polygamous men view women as commodities to be possessed, or looking to be possessed. Evans of Kamukunji believed that in ancient Africa every woman got the ‘chance’ to get married: “Kitambo wanawake ambao hawakuolewa walikuwa wangepata nafasi ya kuolewa kama ni bibi wa pili, tatu au nne.”

It’s true that Kenya is full of single women lamenting the absence of their Mr. Right, and fretting about being single and childless by the age of thirty or forty. What does that say about their desire to be possessed, and how does it challenge streotypes about women ‘needing’ to get married in order to find an ‘owner’? We don’t necessarily hear of Kenyan men frantically searching for a woman to marry, so perhaps women in Nairobi need to ask themselves whether they are perpetuating negative stereotypes about themselves.

Salim bizzarely believes that women can handle infidelity if they know the other woman: “Hata nifaida ukiwa na bibi wengi wanajuana na kila mmoja anajua huyo ni bibi mwenza, hakutakuwa na matatizo.” Women in polygamous situations are arguably in helpless positions – some may have been forced into the marriage by their families upon dowry exchange, they may have been lied to, or financial circumstances may make the woman feel that it’s preferable to poverty. In any case, an existing wife may not have the financial means to leave the situation with her children when a man says that he’s going to get a co-wife, so just because she stays does not mean that she accepts the polygamy.

It was very ironic that one polygamy fundamentalist cannot bear the thought of his woman straying, and he views polygamy as a way of keeping tabs on a woman: “Lakini ukiwa na bibi wa siri, inaweza kuwa hasara,” declared Salim Nganga of Shauri Moyo, “Hata huyo yule walala na yeye kule na anajificha inaweza kuwa hata yeye tunashare na jamaa kama Chalo, ama jamaa mwingine kama Mutiso ama Kolil. Lakini kama angekuwa wako nyumbani, huyu bibi hangeweza kuenda na Chalo, kwa sababu anajulikana ni wangu direct, hakungekuwa na matatizo.”

Maybe Kenyans need to rethink the system of dowry, since it perpetuates the falsehood that women are commodities to be purchased. If a groom’s family wants to give the bride’s family gifts as a symbol of their new union, that’s fine, but the bride’s family must also give the groom’s family gifts. Think about the last dowry negotiation that you attended or heard of, and think about the cold, hard bargaining or extortion that takes place, initiated by the bride’s family, as if they are selling something. By the time the groom and his family have finished taking out loans and selling things to pay for the dowry, they will be seething with resentment or feeling that they now own something new.

So can women marry multiple husbands?

What irony that polygamous men expect their women to be monogamous! Why don’t they call for women to have multiple husbands? In some African tribes that was and still is done. The problem with the polygamy argument is that it is all about the selfish wishes and desires of a roaming man, but if the tables were turned that man cannot handle a taste of his own medicine

source: http://www.nairobians.com/family.html