Same-sex couples tend to get along better than others

BY JULIE SULLIVAN

Newhouse News Service

Watching Silda Wall Spitzer and Sen. Debbie Stabenow of Michigan try to reconcile their idea of "room service'' with their husbands', you might wonder whether same-sex couples are better off. More understanding of each other's needs and nature. Less conflicted about the whole monogamy-means-monogamy concept. Happier, even.

Isn't the problem between men and women -- forgive me, dear -- men and women?

Well, yes and yes.

Same-sex couples are more honest about monogamy and sex, researchers say. They're also more mature, considerate and fairer to each other than heterosexual couples. They're funnier and more affectionate when they argue. Less controlling. They don't take everything so personally.

The findings come from the same famed laboratory that studies thousands of heterosexual couples -- the Gottman researchers in Seattle -- as well as large university studies. After videotaping gay and lesbian couples' discussions, arguments and daily interaction, John Gottman concluded that straight relationships might one day be so healthy -- maybe in about 200 years.

In January, two large studies found much the same -- including that same-sex partners are generally happier than their straight siblings who are married.

"That may sound radical,'' says Esther Rothblum, a professor of Women's Studies at San Diego State University who co-authored one study, "but it's not hugely surprising.''

Gay couples must take large risks in just choosing to live openly, and then they must actively work to stay together because there are few of the societal or outside pressures that can help keep heterosexual couples married even if they're not happy.

And men and women communicate differently and see intimacy differently -- which matters in times of trouble.

"With heterosexual couples, you really have to translate what your partner is saying because they grew up in different worlds, they were socialized in different ways,'' Rothblum says. "That's where same-sex couples have an advantage.''

Still, the course of true love never runs smooth. Same-sex couples still break up over money, monotony, jealousy and misunderstandings. They bring baggage from their childhood and the particular burdens of living as minorities -- such as what to tell relatives about the relationship, public displays of affection or religious beliefs.

For more than 10 years, Mariah Ureel has taught same-sex couples how to work through such issues in classes at Kaiser Permanente. The Portland, Ore., relationship therapist uses Gottman's research and exercises to strengthen bonds, such as building an emotional rainy day account of happy memories to offset bad times.

As a child, she once made "Peace,'' "Love'' and "Joy'' signs and lined up her six younger brothers and sisters on the couch to support their parents' rare date night. As a therapist and educator, she's found gay couples already seem to understand the importance of date nights. "Whether they have kids or not, they're going out all the time, they're dancing, they're having dinner parties,'' Ureel says.

She teaches in part because of her own experience -- Ureel had been committed to her partner for five years when they legally married in 2004 when Oregon's Multnomah County issued marriage licenses to gay couples. (With few role models, the couple wondered, "Do we use the term husband? Wife? Hife?'' They settled on "wifebuns.'')

Her six-week classes start with the agreement that whatever is discussed in the classroom stays there, and then moves on to sharing coming-out stories. She says people immediately benefit by reducing the amount of time lost to anger and sadness. They also rediscover and celebrate what researchers have found -- that same-sex couples tend to have more compassion for each other, freedom from gender roles, and sometimes even double the wardrobe.

As for affairs, betrayal and heartbreak, Rothblum says, monogamy is always difficult to study because the data from many studies are self-reported and people may fear their partner will see their answers. But researchers have concluded that many gays are more frank in talking about sex and monogamy. For some gay men, for instance, having sex outside the relationship is culturally acceptable, but by mutual agreement. "Unlike Spitzer,'' Rothblum says of the former New York governor, "they're not doing it secretly.''

Talking and doing "homework'' exercises about expectations, values, goals and areas of conflict are key elements of the Kaiser classes. But it also helps couples, Ureel says, to realize that "we are not alone.''

©2008 Kalamazoo © 2008 Michigan Live. All Rights Reserved.

Candidates silent to LGBT issues

Obama and Clinton failed to address GLBT discrimination at religious universities.

n Sunday, Sens. Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton traveled to Messiah College in Pennsylvania to speak at an event aired by CNN called "The Compassion Forum." Unfortunately, the senators failed at their chance to discuss Messiah College's less than compassionate discriminatory policies toward gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender students. Messiah is one of a hundred universities that discriminate against the GLBT community. It is disappointing that the senators did not address these policies that breed intolerance and misunderstanding.

Campuses across the nation from Pepperdine to Wheaton still discriminate against GLBT students. These students have been kept from coming out and even face disciplinary penalties for acknowledging their sexuality. Penalties range from suspension and even exile from the university. Professors at such universities are sometimes forced to sign agreements and waivers proving they don't promote the reconciliation of faith and homosexuality.

Religious universities are a place for students to continue their studies in faith, but discriminating against those who want to find common ground between their faith and sexuality only promotes religious bigotry. Religion and theology, like every area of academic study, are multifaceted subjects. To accept one dominating ideology of homosexuality limits students and professors from gaining a complete perspective of religion's connection to modern society.

Both senators preach the politics of unity and hope. They've rallied the nation under the belief that our nation can only be its greatest when its citizens come together - regardless of religion, race or creed. Speaking out against fear and division is a good political platform, so the senators' choice not to acknowledge the oppressive location of "The Compassion Forum" is disheartening. They could have used the opportunity to address the great divide between religion and homosexuality in our nation.

Addressing faith and politics is critical if the candidates want to unify our diverse country. Speaking about policies through the prism of faith adds an important dimension to their platforms. Both candidates missed the mark yesterday, letting down their GLBT brothers and sisters by choosing silence over controversy.

source: http://www.mndaily.com/articles/2008/04/15/72166665

Homophobic Ignorance goes Global

The global GLBT community has a LONG way to go. This is a clip from the Daily Standard of Nairobi, Kenya. The author ignores that some people are born with a different orientation, and that it can be "cured." This is like a trans-gendered person that can be cured from being born that way - as if that is possible.

In many countries, these poor children will be born only to be executed because they are a "freak." Same as if they come out of the closet, they face a death penalty - legal or vigilante. That is the chance one takes in having children - they will not be the same as you.

I strongly urge you to email Mark Mzungu and all those who follow in homophobic and ignorant footsteps.

-Kevin

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By Mark Mzungu

One of the contradictions I came across this week in the Ugandan newspapers was a press conference called by homosexuals, asking to be left in peace.

A press conference is a sure way of attracting attention and this seems to be exactly what they wanted. If, as they say, people with this problem have been around a long time, why is it only now they are coming out in the open?

And they are going about it the same way other countries have. Most of the Western worlds have witnessed nasty demonstrations of homosexuals in the streets — Italy and Poland most recently — with the kind of behaviour you would like to keep away from everyone. What kind of explanation can a mother give an inquisitive child who wants to know what such people are protesting against?

Was the press conference the first step to making this practice acceptable? Are they just testing the waters, and assessing the response in a traditional and conservative society, such as Uganda, which is more tolerant and less puritanical than Kenya?

Their claims and demands were over the mark. They claim they are the "homosexual children of God". This is hardly fair. Didn’t God destroy the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah, where homosexuality was practised?

The effect was such that this area, near the present Red Sea, is still, thousands of years later, sterile and hostile to human habitation. St Paul’s Letter to the Romans (chapter 1), in the context of idolatry and the marginalisation of God, condemns those who dishonour their bodies …and served the creature rather than the Creator…Their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural, and the men, likewise, were consumed by passion for one.

These people are saying there are at least 500,000 adult homosexuals in Uganda. That’s a big number. And how did they reach this figure? Citing the Kinsey Report and other studies, they conclude that in Uganda between three and 10 per cent of the population is inclined this way. Such a conclusion hardly stands up to serious scrutiny. Besides, three to 10 per cent is a wide range.

Healthcare and proper treatment

In addition, they are demanding healthcare and proper treatment. For what? For their behaviour? They also claim that they were accepted in their communities before the colonialists came. Homosexuality is unAfrican. Slave traders brought it to Buganda.

It was considered an abomination in most cultures.

The Ugandan Penal Code criminalises homosexuality. It is considered an unnatural offence, punishable with life imprisonment. This code is based on British law. Now more countries are repealing laws against homosexuality and, predictably, the pendulum is swinging in the opposite direction.

Not only is homosexuality no longer considered abnormal, it is now acceptable. Recently, orphanages in the UK were told they should be willing to hand over the custody of children to same sex couples. What kind of upbringing can a poor orphan expect in an arrangement like this?

Many people fear that we are accepting the bad habits of the West, without thinking or reacting, and before long will have legalised same-sex marriages like South Africa.

This is not to deny that some people (a small proportion) grow up with a certain homosexual tendency, which can be corrected.

If anyone justly claims the right to treatment and understanding it is these people. But this is different to declaring that the condition is irreversible, and that society has to make the necessary adjustments and allowances for their behaviour.

Some are born with a tendency towards kleptomania, but no judge will be so understanding as to let them steal other people’s property. Others are born with a brutal nature. Others, regrettably, inherit a pre-disposition to alcohol from a dipsomaniac father or grandfather. These people need help, and can be helped if they co-operate.

They should also remember that most well intentioned people feel sorry for them. No one has anything against them; but people are repulsed by their acts, and no normal society can condone such behaviour.

Our sorrow reaches a limit when they display their weaknesses publicly, and expect to be given special treatment, instead of struggling against their tendencies and seeking medical, moral and psychological advice.

markmzungu AT gmail.com

source: http://www.eastandard.net/news/?id=1143975928